First and foremost – there is a (huge) difference between a nice guy and said “Mr. Nice-Guy”. The first is great, makes a good friend, maybe even a fantastic partner. The latter, however, is not only a nuisance, but can also be dangerous for a woman striving for empowerment.
What’s the difference?
- Genuinely cares about you
- Doesn’t consider “the friendzone” a threat
- Is not assuming that sex is a natural and self-evident part of your relationship
- Cares for getting sex
- Complains about the injustice of the friendzone all the time
- Thinks “friendliness” in exchange for “sex” is a justified idea
The difference might not always be obvious, generally speaking, the one is nice, the other uses it as part of their tactics.
What tactics do you need to look out for?
- Emotional blackmailing – THIS is the most obvious of all. Mister Nice Guys will always try to make you feel bad about your decisions, the words you say to them, the affection and attention they get from you, the things you “owe” them. Constantly they will highlight how thankful you have to be that they are nice to you, pondering on how they never forced themselves on you in any way and how thankful you have to be for that. It seems preposterous, yet, in some weird twist of their brain, you owe them sex for not raping you.
If you ever feel bad, pressured or talked into sex, on terms of, how it is your duty, because of their niceness: welcome to the prime example of Mister Nice Guy.
- Whining – Very similar to the above point, yet there is a slight difference. They might not pressure you directly into doing something with them, but whine about other women, who friendzone them and who do not see their worth. They will make it appear s if they are to be pitied, as if women, who don’t want to meet them, are somewhat at fault, because they choose someone else. While it may not be directly related to you, it’s still poisonous behavior and it might result in Point Number 1 with another girl!
- Alcohol – As you might trust him, drinking too much in his company can happen more easily than you think. Contrary to what he makes you think, Mister Nice Guy will use the situation to his advantage and will not shy away from making you feel bad the next day when you confront him with it.
Why are they dangerous?
Mister Nice Guys are tricky, because they will make you feel like they are here to support you, care for you and be on your side. You’ll have to look closely to see through his pretense of caring, to make sure that you are not surprised when the nice façade crumbles off and you see the jerk behind the nice mask in front of you.
Some questions to ask yourself when you are not sure:
- Is he nice because he cares or do you feel like he’s preying on you to sleep with him?
- Is he spending a lot of money on you, not because he enjoys it himself, but because he can afterwards pride himself on how expensive the dinner/ bag/ evening was, indicating that you owe him for it?
- Is he pissed when you show no interest in him, or talk with other guys?
As already in the discussion of the #metoo debate, it’s not always about the action but also about the intention. Women aren’t stupid. If your gut is telling you that something with his “niceness” is wrong. It most probably is.
The difference is subtle, yet, really important. Nice guys, even though they might not even know it themselves, have manifested themselves in our lives. Being good in detecting them spares you a lot of whining, feelings of guilt, and bad relationships. Knowing who (and who you don’t) want is your right and always remember that you don’t owe sex anyone!